Coping with this Empty Space
What shall I do to fill
This empty space?
True, I have memories-wonderful memories
But somehow they make me feel
THE VOID
So much more profoundly
People wrote and came to visit
Offering their condolences
And for awhile, at least, I felt
Comforted
Letting go is not easy
I want YOU, not the memories of you
They are a lasting tribute to how special
You were…. (are?)
You were and always will be
An important part
Of my life and I will always
Miss you
How could I not?
Perhaps filling
The Void
Is not the right thing to do.
Maybe by keeping it,
Occasionally
Dwelling in it
I can keep you with me.
Maybe the pain isn’t in
the void
I perceive it.
You are gone,
Hopefully to a
Better Place
I will never be the same again.
But even if you were still here,
I would have changed,
For such is
The Substance of Life.
I will make
The Space in my heart
My Tribute to you!
I will remember you—
I may even talk to you
Upon occasion
Letting the void
Speak.
It does, you know.
Your voice is there,
Offering comfort
Support
Advice
Your face is there, too
Smiling
Laughing
It’s funny—I need to try to recall
How long it’s been.
I see that as a good sign
Your death has ceased to be
As important to me
As your Life.
I still miss you
the void
Is still there, as no one can replace
What you filled in My Life
No one should have to.
Knowing that tells me—and you—
How very much you will always mean to me.
The Void is for your physical presence
But it is almost filled by the Memories of You--
Almost.
The Emptiness is my Tribute to you—
Your Memorial.
It is a Lasting Monument I built
And as such,
Though it holds pain
It also holds beauty
For it is a token of
All we shared.
I love you.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Buddy
On the day my father died, he asked, "Who let the cat in here. I hate cats, please take the cat out." We assured him that there were no cats. When he died a few hours later, we all heard meowing. We were all home and knew Dad had lost his battle with cancer. A week to the day later, Sept 18, 2009, was Dad's big memorial service. I was living at the home he shared with Mom and was awakened by a plaintive meowing. I got up and went outside. I called, "Here, Kitty, kitty!" and this little cat ran up and jumped into my arms. I brought him inside. My mother said, "We haven't even had your father's services yet!" I assured her I didn't intend to keep him, that perhaps our neighbors who had cats might want him. We called, and I took the kitten over on the golf cart for them to see. I told the woman the story, and she said she didn't want to take him until a vet gave him a clean bill of health, but she had friends who might. When I told her the story about dad, she advised keeping the cat, saying the two were linked. When her friends called a few minutes later, mom explained what was going on and asked that they call back later in the week. They never did.
At the Memorial Service, mom told friends about the cat. They all said we had to keep him, that dad had sent the cat. Even friends who knew that dad HATED cats said the same thing. So, the cat stayed.
I took the cat to the vet for evaluation, declawing, and shots. He guessed his birthday was late July. My paternal grandmother, who also died that year, was born on July 22. She was not overly fond of cats, either. yet there was another link. We became a cat family. I named the cat Buddy. A few months later, we added Callie the Calico. They stayed with me when I moved into my own place.
Two weeks ago, we lost Buddy. He had been losing weight, despite eating. he seemed to have trouble gauging distances and stopped jumping up on the bed or on my desk. If I lifted him up and he jumped down, his hind legs didn't' want to support him. Still he remained a happy cat who wanted to be near me.
One night, after I had completed work for an online class, I picked Buddy up from where he was laying in the doorway and carried him to the bedroom. He went to the other side of the room and laid down with his back against my husband's nightstand. I worried that he might get stepped on, but figured he would move. I took a shower and went to bed. About an hour later, KC, the latest cat, awoke me because she was playing with a bag. I got up to throw the bag away and spotted Buddy in front of the slider having a seizure. I picked him up and he seemed to calm down, so I laid on the bed with him on my stomach. He'd stop seizing, purr when I petted him, and then the seizures would start again. I was sobbing. My husband woke up and wanted to know what was wrong. I told him and asked for a towel to put under Buddy, just in case. He wanted to know what we could do. I asked him to call the vet. Buddy was having seizure after seizure. It was 2AM. He called the vet and we got dresses to go. Buddy's seizures slowed down some. I held him down where Callie and Peanut and KC could smell him. All three cats rubbed noses with him. Callie licked him. We got in the car.
Half way there, Buddy took a big sigh. He looked at me and his body went limp. He still breathed, but I know he was no longer fully there. His eyes remained fixed on my face as we drove. When we got out at the vet, it was clear that only his body remained. The vet gave him an injection in the liver. I pet Buddy as he breathed his last. His eyes never seemed to leave my face.
We had him cremated. His remains are in a beautiful pine box. We were given a plaster medallion with his paw print. I am glad the ground was too hard for burial and that I can now keep him with me. I really do believe that Dad and Grandma sent him. He was my friend in the toughest period of my life. He slept by me almost every night, and thank to him, I felt my dad and grandma were with me. His death makes me miss them all, but I know they are all together. When I get down, I smile thinking about whose lap he sat in first.
At the Memorial Service, mom told friends about the cat. They all said we had to keep him, that dad had sent the cat. Even friends who knew that dad HATED cats said the same thing. So, the cat stayed.
I took the cat to the vet for evaluation, declawing, and shots. He guessed his birthday was late July. My paternal grandmother, who also died that year, was born on July 22. She was not overly fond of cats, either. yet there was another link. We became a cat family. I named the cat Buddy. A few months later, we added Callie the Calico. They stayed with me when I moved into my own place.
Two weeks ago, we lost Buddy. He had been losing weight, despite eating. he seemed to have trouble gauging distances and stopped jumping up on the bed or on my desk. If I lifted him up and he jumped down, his hind legs didn't' want to support him. Still he remained a happy cat who wanted to be near me.
One night, after I had completed work for an online class, I picked Buddy up from where he was laying in the doorway and carried him to the bedroom. He went to the other side of the room and laid down with his back against my husband's nightstand. I worried that he might get stepped on, but figured he would move. I took a shower and went to bed. About an hour later, KC, the latest cat, awoke me because she was playing with a bag. I got up to throw the bag away and spotted Buddy in front of the slider having a seizure. I picked him up and he seemed to calm down, so I laid on the bed with him on my stomach. He'd stop seizing, purr when I petted him, and then the seizures would start again. I was sobbing. My husband woke up and wanted to know what was wrong. I told him and asked for a towel to put under Buddy, just in case. He wanted to know what we could do. I asked him to call the vet. Buddy was having seizure after seizure. It was 2AM. He called the vet and we got dresses to go. Buddy's seizures slowed down some. I held him down where Callie and Peanut and KC could smell him. All three cats rubbed noses with him. Callie licked him. We got in the car.
Half way there, Buddy took a big sigh. He looked at me and his body went limp. He still breathed, but I know he was no longer fully there. His eyes remained fixed on my face as we drove. When we got out at the vet, it was clear that only his body remained. The vet gave him an injection in the liver. I pet Buddy as he breathed his last. His eyes never seemed to leave my face.
We had him cremated. His remains are in a beautiful pine box. We were given a plaster medallion with his paw print. I am glad the ground was too hard for burial and that I can now keep him with me. I really do believe that Dad and Grandma sent him. He was my friend in the toughest period of my life. He slept by me almost every night, and thank to him, I felt my dad and grandma were with me. His death makes me miss them all, but I know they are all together. When I get down, I smile thinking about whose lap he sat in first.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Gardens and Birds and Pets
My husband and I transplanted the rosebushes from the side to the front gardesn. With the Lupine earlier and now the other wildflowers, it looks like a planned event. We laid mulch. Tonuight I weeded during a slight rain. There is something truly satisfying about caring for the garden.
Tomorrow I need to tend to the side vegetable garden. I've got cauliflower coming in well. The broccoli isa bit slow, but I am confident it will come. I id have one wild flower that mustbe related to broccoli take bloom. The leaves and smell are very similar, but it has yellow flowers and a bean-like pod.
The sugar peas are coming along, as are the radish. Still not much sign of the carrots or beans.
The gorde plants are up, but it will be a long time beforee they do anything.
Down below, in the lower garden, I have small pumpkin plants growing leaves.
The wildflowers along the driveway are mazing. Bee balm, foxglove and more....
The mock ornage in the other front bed is blloming and very fragrant.
Oh! The oredpole built a nest in the snowbush again this year. Last year, soemthing got to the nest just after the babies hatched. So far, that has not happened this year. There are three baby birds and mom is taking great care of them.
It looks like a robin started a nest in the weeping cheery, but it is empty. I hadn't noticed it prior to today, so it could be from last year and I foirgot about it, or a new nest. It could also be abandoned from earlier in the year. Graydon pointed it out to me and I have to say I don't normally look in the crock of that tree.
There was a killdeer nest this year, but she only laid one egg and then the nest disappeared. I've seen killdeer flying about, so maybe the egg was taken and she moved on elsewhere. It's the first year we haven't had baby killdeer, however.
My first cat, Buddy is really losing weight. He once weighed a healthy 16-lbns and is now down to 8. He eats and his blood tests were all normal, so the vet thinks it might be cancer. As he is otherwise healthy and happy, I am going to let nature takes its course. I can't afford to have him treated for cancer and dont want to make his life miserable when he still gets enjoyment from it.
The rest of the cats are fine. Three toojk a nap with me this afternoon and fairly regularly sleep with us at night. One big happy family!
The dog is still a hyper puppy. She really needs agility training and more regular exercise. Now that I am off work, she'll at least get regular walks.
I am still taking classes toward getting my EdD. They are fairly enjoyable.
Feel free to check out my facebook page. I am Dorothy Pope.
Thanks
Tomorrow I need to tend to the side vegetable garden. I've got cauliflower coming in well. The broccoli isa bit slow, but I am confident it will come. I id have one wild flower that mustbe related to broccoli take bloom. The leaves and smell are very similar, but it has yellow flowers and a bean-like pod.
The sugar peas are coming along, as are the radish. Still not much sign of the carrots or beans.
The gorde plants are up, but it will be a long time beforee they do anything.
Down below, in the lower garden, I have small pumpkin plants growing leaves.
The wildflowers along the driveway are mazing. Bee balm, foxglove and more....
The mock ornage in the other front bed is blloming and very fragrant.
Oh! The oredpole built a nest in the snowbush again this year. Last year, soemthing got to the nest just after the babies hatched. So far, that has not happened this year. There are three baby birds and mom is taking great care of them.
It looks like a robin started a nest in the weeping cheery, but it is empty. I hadn't noticed it prior to today, so it could be from last year and I foirgot about it, or a new nest. It could also be abandoned from earlier in the year. Graydon pointed it out to me and I have to say I don't normally look in the crock of that tree.
There was a killdeer nest this year, but she only laid one egg and then the nest disappeared. I've seen killdeer flying about, so maybe the egg was taken and she moved on elsewhere. It's the first year we haven't had baby killdeer, however.
My first cat, Buddy is really losing weight. He once weighed a healthy 16-lbns and is now down to 8. He eats and his blood tests were all normal, so the vet thinks it might be cancer. As he is otherwise healthy and happy, I am going to let nature takes its course. I can't afford to have him treated for cancer and dont want to make his life miserable when he still gets enjoyment from it.
The rest of the cats are fine. Three toojk a nap with me this afternoon and fairly regularly sleep with us at night. One big happy family!
The dog is still a hyper puppy. She really needs agility training and more regular exercise. Now that I am off work, she'll at least get regular walks.
I am still taking classes toward getting my EdD. They are fairly enjoyable.
Feel free to check out my facebook page. I am Dorothy Pope.
Thanks
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
It Ain’t My Fault
Once upon a time there was a child
Who was raised on TV and video games
And allowed to run wild
The parents, who wanted to be called “friend”
Were afraid to say no—
Were afraid to offend
The child did whatever it pleased
Was spoiled by the parents
Who coddled and appeased
Then the child had to go to school
And there encountered structure
And order and rule
The child, to no surprise, threw fits and acted out
The parents, when finally contacted
Having no clout
Said, “It’s on your watch, it’s on your time
Your deal with it. It’s your problem
To us, our child is fine.”
In school, too, the child encountered books
Was perplexed by them
And gave strange looks
To the words and letters on the page
That others understood
The child felt RAGE
The child got older and started skipping school
“It’s not the kids fault,” folks said
“Life causes him to act the fool.
Blame his teachers and the schools
Blame his friends, too
You can’t expect that one to abide by any rule
The child has seen too much violence on TV
And video games which allow you to restart, continuously
And it seems to me
The kid can’t read
It’s not the child’s fault
That’s as plain as can be.”
The child became a teen, as most children do
And in defiance grew bolder
And a lot angrier, too.
The child had friends of a similar sort
Hung out on the streets; got into trouble
Landed in court.
“Not my fault! Not guilty!” the child did cry
The court, inclined to tale pity
Agreed to give the kid another try
The child laughed at the lack of pay
The law wouldn’t touch the kid
This was no cause for dismay
But for a time, the kid tried to stay in school
Tried to learn and grow
But that kind of life just wasn’t cool
Friends and drugs were too strong a pull
Violence meant nothing
Not even cracking a skill
Of someone who accidently bumped into the kid on the street
Yes, the guy deserved a smack down
He deserved to get beat
“It aint’ my fault,” the youth said
“How I suppose to know
The pussy end up dead?
His skull too thin-He got in my way
Ain’t none of it my fault
I shouldn’t had a pay.
The rules aint’ never applied to me
I desensitized to violence
Thanks to movies and games and TV
You cain’t prove nothin’
You gots ta set me free.
Asides, I from a broken home
And my parents
They allow me to roam.
The schools they ain’t help me either
Calls me special ed
Give me a dumb teacher
Why I gotta learn to read and write?
Where math gonna get me?
School be a place to get dats and to fight
That all it ever gunna be
So go ahead judge, give me my probation
I proved it ain’t my fault
It the fault of the nation
You know that all you gunna go
Give me my sentence
Get this thing through
I gots places to go
People to see
Go on now judge, set me free,
The judge, seeing a young adult
Was fed up with those who
Were always trying to cop out
Calmly read the court’s decision
And spoke with an even and quiet precision
Saying in a voice that still cut like a knife
“This ain’t my fault
It’s the law
That’s giving you life.
Once upon a time there was a child
Who was raised on TV and video games
And allowed to run wild
The parents, who wanted to be called “friend”
Were afraid to say no—
Were afraid to offend
The child did whatever it pleased
Was spoiled by the parents
Who coddled and appeased
Then the child had to go to school
And there encountered structure
And order and rule
The child, to no surprise, threw fits and acted out
The parents, when finally contacted
Having no clout
Said, “It’s on your watch, it’s on your time
Your deal with it. It’s your problem
To us, our child is fine.”
In school, too, the child encountered books
Was perplexed by them
And gave strange looks
To the words and letters on the page
That others understood
The child felt RAGE
The child got older and started skipping school
“It’s not the kids fault,” folks said
“Life causes him to act the fool.
Blame his teachers and the schools
Blame his friends, too
You can’t expect that one to abide by any rule
The child has seen too much violence on TV
And video games which allow you to restart, continuously
And it seems to me
The kid can’t read
It’s not the child’s fault
That’s as plain as can be.”
The child became a teen, as most children do
And in defiance grew bolder
And a lot angrier, too.
The child had friends of a similar sort
Hung out on the streets; got into trouble
Landed in court.
“Not my fault! Not guilty!” the child did cry
The court, inclined to tale pity
Agreed to give the kid another try
The child laughed at the lack of pay
The law wouldn’t touch the kid
This was no cause for dismay
But for a time, the kid tried to stay in school
Tried to learn and grow
But that kind of life just wasn’t cool
Friends and drugs were too strong a pull
Violence meant nothing
Not even cracking a skill
Of someone who accidently bumped into the kid on the street
Yes, the guy deserved a smack down
He deserved to get beat
“It aint’ my fault,” the youth said
“How I suppose to know
The pussy end up dead?
His skull too thin-He got in my way
Ain’t none of it my fault
I shouldn’t had a pay.
The rules aint’ never applied to me
I desensitized to violence
Thanks to movies and games and TV
You cain’t prove nothin’
You gots ta set me free.
Asides, I from a broken home
And my parents
They allow me to roam.
The schools they ain’t help me either
Calls me special ed
Give me a dumb teacher
Why I gotta learn to read and write?
Where math gonna get me?
School be a place to get dats and to fight
That all it ever gunna be
So go ahead judge, give me my probation
I proved it ain’t my fault
It the fault of the nation
You know that all you gunna go
Give me my sentence
Get this thing through
I gots places to go
People to see
Go on now judge, set me free,
The judge, seeing a young adult
Was fed up with those who
Were always trying to cop out
Calmly read the court’s decision
And spoke with an even and quiet precision
Saying in a voice that still cut like a knife
“This ain’t my fault
It’s the law
That’s giving you life.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Happy Spring!
I am so looking forward to this weekend! My husband and I are going to transplant my rose bushes and some lupine and get the other beds ready for plantings. I am also trimming back the wild raspberries and blackberries; transplating a huckleberry... We're also scrubbing out the basemet; giving the dog a bath...Grilling....
I love this time of year. I did a walk around tonight. I think the harsh winter only took out one rose bush and my jasmine. The red buds are questionable, but all else looks good. I have a hyacinth growing where I did no planting. I may move that to a better place. I think either erosion casuse it do travel down the hil through the rocks, or, more likely, some critter burried it there.
The dog is wanting some attention, and so is one of the cats. I'll go now.
I love this time of year. I did a walk around tonight. I think the harsh winter only took out one rose bush and my jasmine. The red buds are questionable, but all else looks good. I have a hyacinth growing where I did no planting. I may move that to a better place. I think either erosion casuse it do travel down the hil through the rocks, or, more likely, some critter burried it there.
The dog is wanting some attention, and so is one of the cats. I'll go now.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Summer
I can't wait for summer! Even though I will be taking online classes, I am anxious for vacation. (I teach). I really feel stressed out this year. I am looking forward to swimming in the backyard pond and im the lake; to sleeping in; getting tan; reading; working in the garden... Did I mention sleeping in? :-)
Even with classes I'll have time to draw and paint; to write...To remember who I am so I can be a better teacher. I need that renewal.
Even with classes I'll have time to draw and paint; to write...To remember who I am so I can be a better teacher. I need that renewal.
Check out some of my photos:
http://slideroll.com/?s=hsznww5k (Favorites)
http://slideroll.com/?s=5zaaet6m (Fall and Winter)
http://slideroll.com/?s=6rn4xagf (Beach and Water View)
http://slideroll.com/?s=6r1nvkt2 (UP)
http://slideroll.com/?s=ww6pa8bx (Critters & Plants)
http://slideroll.com/?s=hsznww5k (Favorites)
http://slideroll.com/?s=5zaaet6m (Fall and Winter)
http://slideroll.com/?s=6rn4xagf (Beach and Water View)
http://slideroll.com/?s=6r1nvkt2 (UP)
http://slideroll.com/?s=ww6pa8bx (Critters & Plants)
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Haunted
Of course there are ghosts
There are remnants of the dead which remain
We hold them to us
As a blessing or a curse
We play the images they helped us to create
In our minds
Those memories are often bittersweet
Pictures of good times and bad
Yet they can play forever in our minds
Messages of love & comfort; of anger; of punishment; tears; laughter
We'll look at who we are and see them
In the self-image they helped us create
We'll remember the ways they looked at us
And we'll cringe, or cry, or smile
We'll hear the way they thought of us--and themselves
Accepting or rejectingtheir love or hate
These are the elements of the dead that remain
The living create the ghost
We haunt ourselves
There are remnants of the dead which remain
We hold them to us
As a blessing or a curse
We play the images they helped us to create
In our minds
Those memories are often bittersweet
Pictures of good times and bad
Yet they can play forever in our minds
Messages of love & comfort; of anger; of punishment; tears; laughter
We'll look at who we are and see them
In the self-image they helped us create
We'll remember the ways they looked at us
And we'll cringe, or cry, or smile
We'll hear the way they thought of us--and themselves
Accepting or rejectingtheir love or hate
These are the elements of the dead that remain
The living create the ghost
We haunt ourselves
Querry
This is my first blog. I just wanted to see who was out there. I'll add some of my poetry and thoughts later. So, who's there?
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